To Hate is Human, To Love is Stupid
by NikkiBlueEyes
Summary: A look inside the mind and heart of one Doctor Rodney McKay.


Title: To Hate is Human, To Love is... Stupid

Author: NikkiBlueEyes

Spoilers: Pretty much everything up to and including 'The Seige III'.

Disclaimer: As much as it... pains me to admit it... I don't own Doctor Rodney McKay nor any of the other fine characters on Stargate: Atlantis. If I did own them, I'd lock McKay in my closet and keep him for myself so nah nah.

Rating: T for coarse language

Summery: A look inside the mind and heart of one Doctor Rodney McKay.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It makes alot of sense now that I think of it. I really should have figured it out on my own instead of having them throw it in my face. To be honest, though, they didn't know I was there and it wasn't like they were being indiscreet. Far from it, in fact. I had no real reason to be wandering that particular corridor at two o'clock in the morning. If anyone would have asked me about it, I would have fiercely denied having had any motive aside from just wanting to stretch my legs. But who really cares about that? I don't have to explain my actions to anyone. Especially not... them.

I admit, I intruded on a private moment, inadvertedly of course, but it really wasn't something I nor anyone else was suppose to see and before your mind dives headlong into the gutter... filthy pervert... it was as innocent and heart wrenching as anything I've ever witnessed. Innocent for them, heart wrenching for me. Just thinking about it is making my teeth grind together and my fist tighten its hold on the fork I had forgotten was in my hand. My appetite forgotten along with it. As I stare at the barely touched plate of food (if it can be called that) in front of me and my slowly whitening knuckles, I again have to be honest with myself: I'm jealous. I can just imagine my eyes turning a chilling shade of turquoise before becoming fully green with envy. I wonder what Carson would have to say about that, me coming in with a complaint about my eye colour. I wonder if he has a stash of coloured contacts, it's not like my day long sour expression and near complete silence hasn't been enough of a tip off.

God, I am such a monumental idiot. I.Q. wise, I'm a genuine genius. You'd be hard pressed to find someone intellectually superior to me in this galaxy or in any other. E.Q however... I'm just not much of a people person: never have been, probably never will be, but I'd like to think I'm getting better at hiding that fact. Like now for instance. I could be obsessively tapping my fork instead of trying to strangle it, but that would be noisy and inconsiderate to the people behind me who are currently chatting away all happily ignorant to my emotional pain and anguish. See? I can be nice sometimes, I can be kind and caring and aware of other people. Sure, normally I'm the King of Snark, but I always have a good reason. Usually it's in retaliation for someone else's off hand comment about me said behind my back, or it's because I had a bad day, or that we ran out of coffee... or they looked at me funny. OK, before you even open your God damn mouth, shut up.

Now back to being the sensitive, caring guy I am at heart... I know I'm not the only one with feelings... for her. I sigh quietly and look up to see Doctor... Zelonko? Zelanky? Radek whatever his damn last name is... I can never remember... I see him walk over and plunk down in the chair beside me, a slightly downcast expression on his face. He doesn't say a word, he doesn't have to. I know all too well what he's feeling. I wonder for a brief moment where he heard it from, astounded once again at the surprising speed at which gossip travels in this city. Then I see them. My heart sinks so low I'm afraid if I get up, I'll be able to hear it slosh around in my shoe. They aren't even doing anything. Just talking about something or nothing, waiting in line for their dinner, completely calm, completely in control, completely oblivious to the fact everyone in the room can see the way they're smiling at each other all happy and loving and God I think I'm going to die.

I spare a glance at Radek and see him purposely not looking in their direction, his expression having gone from puppy wacked-on-the-nose-with-a-rolled-up-newspaper to puppy-kicked-out-of-the-house-into-the-pouring-rain. I wonder if I look as defeated. It doesn't matter though. We've both lost and he's won and why God do you mock me so, they're fucking holding hands now. I guess their intention of keeping it discreet fell to the way side along with my crushed up and mangled heart. Oh, and Radek's too. He'll get over it though. I'm sure that nice redheaded geologist who keeps winking at him during the weekly staff meetings will see to that. And there are likely more poor souls out there pining away for our fearless leader, but who cares about them? They'll deal with it and move on like normal sane people. Me, on the other hand... I'm lost. I feel lost and broken and betrayed and a whole slew of other really bad things that I just can't find words for because of how miserable I am right now.

For a while, I really thought there was something between Elizabeth and myself. We've been through alot together. She's stood by me and helped me cope with all the crap that's been thrown at us. When Gaul killed himself, she sat with me in silence, her hand on my shoulder, comforting me without having to say a word. After the whole Genii incident, we sat and talked quietly, still shocked at the fact we survived along with the city. After Peter's death she... well, we both needed comforting then. It wasn't even that long ago. She's listened to me whine and complain without much more than an amused grin and a roll of her eyes. The personal force field comes to mind. I swear, that woman knows me better than I know myself. How was I suppose to know my subconscious mind didn't want to be left unprotected? I'm a genius, not a shrink. Not that psychiatrists can't be geniuses. Doctor Heightmyer is intelligent and good at what she does. But she's no Elizabeth. Elizabeth... she... she respects me, believes in me, and puts her trust and faith in my abilities. I can't even count how many times she's trusted me to pull through, even with the odds against us. She's my best friend and the only person I've ever really opened up to. When I'm with her, I'm stronger and smarter and more creative, I find comfort in just standing near her, her presence calms me.

And I'm terrified that I'm going to lose her as a friend along with what I've already lost. The only thing that could make me feel any better about losing her... though now I finally accept I never had her to begin with... would be to have a guarantee that he'd never hurt her. I know he would never hurt her intentionally and I realize that she needs him just as much as he needs her, but... he risks his life on a near daily basis.The funny this is, if he didn't, he just wouldn't be the same cocky-hero-of-a-fly-boy, the guy always saving my ass and everyone else's. I don't know what it would do to her to have Sheppard finally kick the proverbial bucket. I have an idea, though, and it isn't pretty.

I'd die for her, I almost did, once. But then again, so did he. He's the better choice in the long run, I will admit that. Better for her, more important to the mission... I'm not depressed enough to go jump off a pier or anything though, I'm not that kind of idiot. But at the same time, it hurts so damn much and if I can convince myself that she's going to be infinitely happier with him then she'd ever be with me then I can cope... to a degree. I'm sure after a few days, weeks, maybe months... years perhaps even... the pain will lessen and I can be happy for them. In the end, that's what matters to me the most: her happiness. Seeing her smile makes me want to smile and hearing her laugh... good God, I need a drink.

I'm not usually much for alcohol, but desperate times call for desperate measures as they say. And I'm desperate. The mess hall is almost completely empty now, I've been sitting here deep in though for nearly an hour. I look down at my very cold and still barely touched dinner and sigh. Hyperglycemia doesn't care if you're heartbroken, and the last thing I need is to get drunk on an empty stomach and pass out from 'manly hunger'. I really don't need Carson on my case. So I choke down half of what's on my plate and stand up. The simple act of standing is enough to drain what little energy I have left and I'm tempted to just sit back down and forget the last twenty-four hours ever happened. I guess I'm made of tougher stuff than I thought because my feet start moving on their own accord and I find myself once again aimlessly wandering the corridors of Atlantis.

I pass by labs and living quarters, the control room and jumper bay, various storage rooms and the infirmary... I circle round and round until my feet finally decide they've taken me as far as I need to go. I've ended up at a familiar place, one I really wish wasn't quite so familiar: grounding station three. I sometimes come here to think about life. In fact, I was here just last night, not long before... the incident. I had finally made a decision about something that had been plaguing my thoughts for sometime. As I look out over the nigh endless water before me, dark and deep and mysterious, I beg my mind to stop. I know if I continue to think about last night, I'll only end up hurting more, if that's even possible at this point. But, alas, my mind is my own and as such, is stubborn and unrelenting.

I remember standing at this very same spot, determination building with each breath of cool sea air I took in. I was going to tell her. I had finally made up my mind about telling her how I feel. So, like some simpering love struck fool, I marched straight towards her living quarters only to see her standing in the open doorway, a smile upon her lips and her eyes locked with his. His hand rose to brush a few stray hairs from her cheek and lingered there a moment longer than necessary. She leaned into his touch and I could almost feel her contented sigh at the prolonged contact. Thinking back on it now, I'm reminded of that one line from Romeo and Juliet... "O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek..." I never liked the play, I mean, come on. Juliet was only fourteen for Christ's sake! And Romeo was something like seventeen... first strike against them. Kids that young don't know anything about love. I'm thirty-six and I still don't even fully understand it. All I know is that being in love absolutely stinks beyond belief... because I do love her and I know she could never love me back, because she loves him. And from the way he looked at her last night, there's no denying the fact he loves her just as much. So here I am. Lovesick, alone, and painfully aware of the fact that I am an idiot. I sigh again and am suddenly aware that I'm no longer alone as I hear my sigh echoed back in a female voice.

"Rodney...?"

I freeze. She's here. It's her. What do I say? What do I do? Oh my God oh my God oh my God...

"Am I interrupting anything?"

Breathing is a good thing, I almost forgot that for a minute. I slowly turn around to face her as I focus on taking air in and letting it out again, "Elizabeth... no, no of course not. I was just... enjoying the view." I'm so lame. The view? Well I was looking at it, but I wouldn't call what I was just doing enjoyable.

I watch with fascination as she steps forward and stands beside me.

"Wow, I haven't been here in a while..."

She stands casually, arms loosely crossed over the rail, perfectly calm. I wish I felt as calm as she looks. Heck, I'd settle for looking as calm as she undoubtedly feels. Why is she here? What is it that's she's after? How did she know I was here and if she didn't, again I ask myself why in the world is she here? Of course I'm tempted to ask her and find out for certain, but for some unexplainable reason my ability to speak has abandoned me.

"I'd like your opinion on something."

I nod dumbly as her eyes leave the ocean waves and land directly on me.

"I don't know if you've heard the rumors yet, but..."

I swallow the lump in my throat, or at least I try to. I have to tell myself to breathe again, and only after gripping the railing like my life depends upon it am I able to squeak out, "You mean, about the Major and yourself?"

My stomach both flutters and churns at the sight of her smile. She turns back to the dark waters, her hands beginning to curl together in thought. I can hear my heart beating in my ears, her silence speaking volumes and yet my understanding of what she wants from me is sorely lacking. Does she want me to congratulate her? Convince her Sheppard is a very bad man and not worth her time? Dance and sing with a chorus of a thousand hamsters? At this point, anything is possible. That's what scares me so much.

"Do you think it's... appropriate?"

The question startles me. "Appropriate?" I watch her nod slowly and turn back to look me in the eye, her face a mask. I realize what she wants. I know what she wants. It's more than just 'is it appropriate', she could ask anyone that question and get an honest answer and she'd take that into consideration. She's asking me though. Looking at me and asking me and I could say no and she'd listen and break it off with him. It would be that simple. All I have to say is no. Just say no. No no no no no...

I open my mouth, "Do you love him?" She nods slowly. OK... that wasn't me saying no, lets try this again. "Does he make you happy?" She nods again. OK... again, not me saying no. There must be a crossed wire somewhere between my brain and mouth 'cause I keep thinking no, but I keep saying other shit that I really shouldn't be saying. Last try, here I go... nonononono... "Then... yes." That's it. My mouth has finally rebelled against me. It even twists up into a smile to match hers. I feel like absolute shit and yet... I'm smiling. I smile as she thanks me, I smile as she turns to leave, and I smile as she looks over her shoulder and gives me one final significant look before turning the corner and disappearing from view.

I wouldn't have said no. I wouldn't, couldn't lie to her like that. As much as I want to be more than just a friend to her, I treasure her friendship like it's the most precious artifact the Ancients ever left behind. Even more, in fact. And I treasure her happiness. And if he makes her happy... well, then...

I can feel my stomach growling. I wonder if the mess is still open. I could sure go for a sandwich right about now. Or some soup. Or a soup and a sandwich. If I remember correctly, they had some new fruit pie thing at dinner, I could eat one or two of those as well... as long as the mystery fruit isn't anything citrus. Hey, its only eleven. Still alot of night left to enjoy. I start making my way back to the mess hall, the ache in my chest lessening with each step. I still feel like there's a stake rammed through my... hey now! That's what I want! Some steak. And potatoes... well... whatever the Athosian equivalent of potatoes is called. Now I'm really hungry. But wait, I'm supposed to be pining over Elizabeth. Well, nobody said I can't eat and pine at the same time... and maybe get in a game of poker with the team. Like I said, the night is still young. My heart might be shattered, but I still have all the pieces. And I can fix anything. I might end up needing some help along the way, and maybe some duct tape, but I'll survive.

-End-


End file.
